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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Posted on 2009.09.15 at 20:45
Current Location: here
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Whirring by Fan
Tags: ,

When I read these quotes from a website, a lot of them were things that I've said to myself.  

It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.


Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again.

Tired of living and scared of dying.

I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable.

Don't fall into the trap of pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own.

It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.

You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.

I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by.

I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.


It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.

Let no one think I gave in.

Refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall, can't be weak, can't stand still, watch your back because no one else will.

You can't just hug me and say it's okay because right n... it doesn't feel that w...

Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.

I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else, it see... when Im all alone it's best way to be. When I'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye. Everything is temporary anyway.

I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand.


Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me.


I'm often silent when I am screaming inside.


The deepest people are the ones who've been hurt the most.

Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads?'

I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

No one can see the pain what we hide, they're happy for us to keep it inside, our fear is our own; they don't want to know. Why should we involve them; why should it show.


Our generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.


In the end, music is your only friend.

When your going thru hell... it's best to just keep on going...


What's the point in screaming? No ones listening anyway.


The beautiful thing about music is when it hits you, you feel no pain.

I'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.

Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head.

I've been a loser all my life. I'm not about to change. If you don't like it, there's a door. Nobody made you stay.

But its ironic because that's how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can't be happy to be who I am because I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm so happy, cause today I found my friends, they're in my head.---Kurt Cobain

All rock music is good as long as it has passion and feeling---Kurt Cobain


I used to have many faults, not I have only two - everything I say and everything I do...

Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide.


I can't stop crying... I don't understand, and it's not the loud, screaming crying... it's just the tears continuously roll down my face, and I can't do anything to stop them.

On top of feeling sad, I also felt guilty. 

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
'You must be," said the Cat. 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"



Monday, September 14th

Posted on 2009.09.14 at 22:15
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Whirring by Fan
Tags: , , ,
Today is Monday.  Believe it or not, I don't mind Mondays too much because it usually goes by pretty fast. 

I went to work as usual.  The same ol' emails--your principals need to turn in their paperwork.  The charts need to be done, what do I do about this?  Can anyone volunteer to work this night?

I felt a little better and felt determined to eat better.  Of course, I skipped breakfast.  I was running late.  I love to go to the donut shop and get pigs in a blanket with a dozen donut holes.  Or more.  2 pigs in a blanket and a dozen donut holes right from the oven.  I shouldn't eat this.  This stuff is too sweet and very fattening.  But who cares?  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  But I didn't get it.  I'm hungry at work now.

Topper, my flirty friend is gone to work at the other building, training other teachers.  I guess because he does give me attention, I kind of crave his company.  My secretary and I have this "society" of just him, me and her.  It's a nice little society but I talk to Monica more and sarcastically talk to Topper.  He's a friend but he can be a pain too.  I'm not sure what to say of our friendship other than it is what it is.  

Do I think this mini depression is lifting?  Time will tell.  I'm all over the place in my journal this evening, other than wanting to get in a post before I go to bed.  Ohhh, a "friend" which is a coworker (not Topper) dumped a lot of us from his Facebook this weekend.  Am I upset, not really, as he's really immature and a gossip girl.  He's married with two kids and acts like the kids more than anything.  He is funny I will give him that, but come on, let's be simple about this. There are teenagers with more maturity than him.  Oh well, let him have himself.  I'm not worried.  I can take all the quizzes I want on FB without hearing it from him.  Victory is mine!  :)

I'm off to bed.  First I'm off to call Angie, then I'm off to bed.  More tomorrow, and in a better state of mind!


The last time

Posted on 2009.09.13 at 18:16
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Enya: On your shore
The last time I posted to my journal was July 4th or so.  I told myself that I would be more devoted to my journal since I do like to write.  Writing allows me to express all my emotions without being interrupted.  Without the 140 character limit on Twitter.  Without someone judging my feelings on the phone.  Without someone asking me "What's wrong?"  Without the popularity contest on Facebook.  I do love facebook for the apps.  I'm thisclose to deactivating my account but I don't.  Why?  Not sure.

Lots of things going on right now.  All I want to do is sleep and cry.  My stress level is so off the charts.  Yes, I take medication.  Should I up it? Probably.  I'd have to go to psychiatrist to do that.  I detest psychiatrists.  The only doctor I like is my regular physician.  She told me that I would have to see a shrink. 

I told my friend that I think I may have depression.  I know there is no might in having something.  You either have it or not.  I told my friend the reason I said, "might" is that I don't want to face that possibility.  

Let's look at facts:  Symptoms of depression
  • difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions (no.  I remember TOO many details)
  • fatigue and decreased energy (yes, I am fatigued)
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness (yes, worthlessness and helplessness, especially at work)
  • feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism (yes, pessimism)
  • insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping (wake up in middle of night, slept 3.5 hours today)
  • irritability, restlessness (yes, irritability has given way to worthlessness)
  • loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex (the possibility of closing both twitter and facebook, which gave me joy in reading.  I REFUSE to give up LiveJournal or RobandKris)
  • overeating or appetite loss (yes, I see it)
  • persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment (yes, headaches, soreness, my monthly visitor came super early this month)
  • persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings (yes, pretty much)
  • thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts (I'm too scared to die, but I have thought it'd be better if my existence was gone--don't worry, I won't try it.  Seriously, I won't).
Perhaps I do have clinical depression.  

Why do I have depression?  It's a medical condition.  I think I may be destined to suffer through mental issues.  I thought, "perhaps ifts because I'm overweight and therefore if I were thin, I wouldn't feel bad".  Shocking news: thin people also suffer through depression.

One would think that since I have an RP life should be happy.  Nope.  Turns out my RP has an issue with my weight.  I should just dump him huh?  Easy way out.  Well, I have an issue him blocking himself and making a wall.  Life again could be easier if I'd just lose the weight.  Seriously.

I've thought about lap band.  I think I'll do that.  For me.  I've been told (whatever) this exact thing: "You are so pretty, but you'd be prettier if you lost the weight".  Maybe I do have the weight on intentionally.  Maybe I don't want someone after me because then that'd make my life more complicated.  Why?  Not sure.  I know that when my friend who likes to flirt with me changed his shirt (yes, he had on a t-shirt) I did not look.  I did not want to see, and felt a little uncomfortable.  It wasn't sexual harrassment.  I don't think.  

I am just using this post to "talk it out"--there's no need to send me messages or comment.   It'll make me feel more guilty than I already feel.  


Rob as Audrey Hepburn

Happy 4th of Julie, I mean!!! JULY!!

Posted on 2009.07.03 at 16:42
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Chains of Love by Erasure
I haven't posted much on my own journal because frankly, I've been busy. So now, let me get you updated!

My Further Adventures!Collapse )

Let's see if this is bigger

Posted on 2009.05.17 at 19:39

Posted on 2009.05.15 at 21:14
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Silence

A personal rant that has nothing to do with Rob/Kristen.

Highly ToxicCollapse )

Cool R/K songs

Posted on 2009.05.14 at 22:04
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Journey, "Open Arms"
I'm such a loon for music and current obsessions.  I'm thinking of good songs (preferably established songs) that could fit Rob/Kristen.   As we all know, Rob's birthday was very telling--especially when Kristen is sitting there sandwiched between his mom and dad in the taxi.  Lots to be said there.  So, I think the song, "Open Arms" fits well for their ... relationship at this time.  At least it seems that way to me.  Here are the lyrics. 

BTW, this is Open Arms by Journey.  Classic song.  Click on the link to listen.  Much of it applies to Kristen.

Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mind
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side

*So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping youll see what your
love means to me
Open arms*

Living without you, living alone
This empty
house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you

But now that youve come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay.

Excuse me.  I must go to weep with "awwwwww" and flicker a lighter.

She's like the wind!

Posted on 2009.05.11 at 07:12
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Patrick Swayze
This goes out to burningbright09. Because "she's like the wind". :) Keep that R/K goodness burningbright!!

I'm back! Again!

Posted on 2009.05.10 at 22:40
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
Current Music: Eric Carmen
So I left for San Antonio for the hillbilly family reunion, Hispanic style, and now I'm back!

Continuing enjoying the Robsten (agh! still sounds like Frankenstein). Let me change that, the Pattinstew magic, and also because I love the 80's (shout out to Jenni_cn), I dedicate this awesome YouTube vid to all the R/K shippers out there doing the stewpatty/pattystew dance!

A cool thing make_me_irish did that I'll post here.

Posted on 2009.05.05 at 20:51
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Different Worlds

Kristen has always been about the hair flip.  I think Rob took after her.  *le sigh*

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