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a few changes along the way

Posted on 2009.11.28 at 23:44
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Goodbye to Love
Tags: , ,
So remember PG girl? She resigned. Yay! I'm glad I'm not in a place with her face in mine all the time. Smug Marrieds.

Second--My Angarano and I are no more. Not even friends. I thought I'd be more at peace with my decision but I'm not really. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I want to cry ... not as much as the first day, which happened to be on November 22nd. My head wants to hurt,

I want to ask and I want to say so many things to him on the last day - I wanted to tell him how I thought he would now be able to find someone he could love because I know he didn't love me. He didn't love me like I wanted him to and I can't (I hate sounding cheesy) make him love me fi he doesn't want to love me.

I was told by two different people that my Angarano was emotionally abusive. I didn't see it at all. I just remember Lissa telling me that my attitude changed when he called. He called me when I was visiting Lissa in Tulsa and I went from being pretty ok to just very upset. That was, I wasn't even going to pick up the phone.

When I drove home the next day, the 22nd, I cried a lot on the way home. In fact, I didn't even want to go home because I knew what I'd be facing. The dreaded phone call.

He was upset because I didn't tell him I was going to OK for a few days. He asked me why I went--get this--he asked if it was to see another man. I wanted to laugh so hard because there's not a man alive who would want to be with me. I didn't. I just told him I wanted to clear my head. Of course, he said it didn't matter if it was to see another man (he didn't say but I knew he wanted to get out of our relationship, it was only a matter of time).

I told him I would send him his phone back (this past Friday - not black friday) and he told me good luck. He wished me well and "hoped" i'd find what I was looking for. I told him he was a good man--then he told me he didn't know about that because he didn't know what he did to drive me away.

That made no sense--drive me away. Didn't he realize that I literally pushed him away? Well, both of us did. He went on with his self and I said nothing in return. Why should I? He would just mock me. Scoff, make fun of what I thought was important to me. I tested the waters a few weeks before with Rob and Kristen holding hands. How excited I was to see these pictures. What does he do: "It'll never last, it's Hollywood" instead of, "I'm glad you're happy to see that" OHHHH and "Little things that make you happy" (pure scoff tones). My friend said, "He should be GLAD that little things make you happy!!!"

Three years. Three years. Gone. I said goodbye to love. Or maybe goodbye to unhealthy relationship that I thought was healthy. I'll probably rehash everything here over the next few weeks as I try to heal. For now, the song, "Goodbye to love" is my theme. I no longer want to see, hear, know, learn, drool over relationships. As far as I know, romantic relationships are just pure crap. It's nothing but pain, sorrow, hurt, anger, and fear.

Cynical about love--depends on the person. Cynical about relationships--yes. Absolutely. Goodbye to love and romantic relationships. I don't ever want to see you again at MY doorstep. If that means being alone, then so be it.




Comments:


Lara
burningbright09 at 2009-11-29 06:47 (UTC) (Link)
Sometimes I hate thinking about relationships because they make me feel really sad and pained, too, but then I think about Rob and Kristen and how happy they are, and they make me feel so much better. And it isn't true that no one would ever want you, when someone was with you for three years. It just wasn't the right someone. But if there's one, there'll be others.
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